So today (technically was "yesterday") I went to Color Me Mine with Jason to celebrate his birthday early with him. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!@#@$@#%  I was so fucking excitedddd that I had difficulty sleeping the night before. We arrived at 1:30ish, and when I stepped into the shop, I probably looked very calm, but inside I felt all giddy like a 10 year old about to go to Disneyland, and if it were physically possible, I would have bounced up and down and all around ceilings and walls of the place. We had to fill out a form that basically asks for our information (so that we can pick up the pieces a week later, after they're finished) and this one portion at the bottom asked me how I heard about the place. To be honest, I got the idea of painting ceramics from that one episode of Wongfu Weekends and it looked fun, so I googled "pottery painting in NYC", and found Color Me Mine on Yelp. Funny thing is, I didn't realize that Wongfu Productions went to the same place until I watched the video again afterwards. What a co-inky-dink. But when the girl who worked there read that I heard about them from Wongfu Productions, she got all excited and told me that she went to the same exact one that they went to in LA, but a week after they went. :[ Bad timing, haha.

It took me and Jason a while to pick out the pieces that we wanted to paint. As I suspected, He wanted to make something for his girlfriend, and I was going to paint something for him, and myself. After much thought, I decided on a cereal bowl and a latte mug for Jason, and Jason picked out a cup & saucer and a small heart plate (both for his girlfriend). Then came the hard part - coming up with a good design for the pieces. When we made up our minds on what we wanted to put on our first piece and got our paint, we were in a dilemma because we had a limited amount of time due to a buy-out for some kid's birthday party at 3:00PM. It was okay though, because we were able to go back at 5:00PM to finish up. At 3:00PM, Jason and I went to grab food and chilled at Barnes and Noble to kill time. It was funny because Barnes and Noble was located on the second floor, on top of a Wholefoods, and we didn't see that the entrance was on the side of the building, so we walked all around the building trying to find a way to get up to the second floor. We messed around for a bit and left at 5:00PM to go back to Color Me Mine. I spent a shitload of time on one of the bowls. So much that the girl working there came around to our table at around 6:30PM and asked me if I was still working on my first piece, ahah. By the time I finished it, it was almost 7:00PM, and I still had 2 more pieces to go. I knew I had to hustle because the place closes at 9:00PM.

We called Peter to come out (nigga was moping around at home because his plans with Caffy fell apart), but it took that nigga fucking 2+ hours to get to Manhattan. Apparently, he not only got on the wrong train, but he was ALSO going in the wrong direction. -_- Okay, people sometimes get on the wrong train, yeah I did that a few times, whatever. Even getting on the train that goes in the wrong direction is understandable, but what I don't get is how he didn't realize he was doing both until AN HOUR later. I mean, wtf was this nigga doing, sleeping? He claimed that he was standing up the whole time though, so I don't understand how he can not realize that he was lost for a whole hour. Isn't it common sense to look up the MTA map, especially if you're going to be on a train line that you're not familiar with?? Anyway, he finally got to us at around 7:25PM, and picked a pig nose mug to paint for his mom (aw, what a mama's boy). For my last two pieces, I had to admit that I didn't put half as much effort as I did with the first, so I just slapped on 2 layers of paint as the base color, and then just added some quick and simple designs to them to finish up. We managed to finish exactly 5 minutes before closing time, meaning we basically spent the whole day there. o. I brought my camera, but because we were short on time, I wasn't able to take pictures or record our artistic process. :[ It's okay, I'll upload pictures of the final products next week when we pick them up. BEST. DAY. EVER. 

Am I supposed to wear panties inside of girl boxers or am I supposed to go commando like guys in their boxers? o. I have little holes on the chest area of this pajama shirt, but nobody will notice if they don't stare. I think. I need to drink some water -- my throat is parched and dry like a desert. Shit, I gotta study for my microbio midterm tomorrow, but FIRST I need to take a leak. Damn, it's 7:14PM already.

I went to play ball with Jason and Peter today at the park. We played handball at first, but that didn't go so well because we all sucked, the ball kept going into a puddle of rain water from the night before, and our hands hurt like shit. Then we went to play basketball at another park, and basically I whooped their asses at a game of horse, since they didn't really know how to play basketball. After playing ball for a good 2 hours, I got tired of sports and wanted to go shopping, so I dragged them both to King's Plaza and we walked around for another 2 hours. I walked into random stores with Jason to help him think of ideas for his annual Christmas gift basket for his girlfriend. One of these stores happened to be Bath and Body Works, and I was telling Jason that I really like the Japanese Cherry Blossom scent from them. I picked up a lotion test bottle, and tried to let him smell it by squeezing the bottle lightly so that the air will rush out, and he'd be able to smell the scent. He freaked out on me and thought that lotion flew out of the bottle and got on him, but nothing was there. Then I did the same thing with another bottle of lotion, but this time it was on myself. Of course, once I squeezed it lightly, lotion flies out of the fucking bottle and lands all over my face and shirt, making it look like some nigga just jizzed all over me. LOL -.-

Because my best frie- no, she's more than that. My sista' from anotha' motha' (gotta say it like a nigga LOL) told me that I should think about things that I enjoy in life instead of moping around feeling sorry for myself. So here goes, off the top of my head. 

1. Music. Right now, I am relying heavily on music to make me feel better, but of course music is also something I enjoy when I'm not feeling down. A really nice memory I have of music is back when I was still in elementary school during the time at which I was taking piano lessons. I really liked my piano teacher - she was very nice and we bonded quickly. Learning how to create music with my own hands felt really good, and sadly I stopped taking lessons soon after learning one full song after learning all of the basics of piano and whatnot. I still remember how to play Fur Elise though, if that counts for anything. 

2. Photography. No, I am not pro at it, but I do enjoy taking pictures of things, whether it be of friends and events or just nature. Developing the pictures and then using them to make scrapbooks is mad fun too, but even if I don't develop them, it's nice to look back at pictures and share embarrassing photos with friends years later. I did this like, last week with Kingsley and Dennis, looking back at old middle school pictures. Good times.

3. Sitting at the park. I remember when I used to sit on the swings at the park with Olivia after school in middle school, just swinging and talking about any and everything. Time would go by so fast, as we swang back and forth laughing or crying about stupid things, as we ate ice cream. Yeeeee. 

4. Cloud watching. Back in elementary school, I used to look up at the sky with Fanny during recess, excitedly telling each other when we see something that even remotely resembled anything we were familiar with. The funny part was that the sky was so bright, we had a hard time keeping our Asian eyes open, so we ended up squinting LOL. 

5. Drawing. Not good at this either, but sketching was a hobby of mine when I had nothing better to do. I'm not very good at drawing realistic things or things via imagination, but I am rather good at drawing things that I can see in front of me, especially cartoon characters. 

6. Travelling. I love to travel. It's a pain in the ass to pack and actually sit through the process of getting to my destination, but the feeling of being in a new and foreign place is exciting and fun. Although it is fun to go on vacation with family, I think it's even more fun to travel with just friends or cousins and no parents. I've only been on 2 trips like that - once during the 6th grade trip to Pennsylvania with Mrs. Mund and this past summer to Toronto, Canada with my cousin Jason. I feel so free when I'm out having fun without anybody to lecture me constantly, telling me what I can and can't do. 

7. Sports. I don't exercise as much as I should, and I'm not particularly good at any sports, but I do enjoy being active every once in a while, when I have time for it. I enjoy playing basketball, volleyball, badminton, and a whole lot of other things that I probably suck even more at. It's weird, but I enjoy the feeling of being out of breath and all sweaty, with my adrenaline pumping during a game, and yet, once it's over I feel disgusting and have a strong urge to immediately strip and shower. I miss having gym in school. It was a nice outlet for built-up stress from school and whatnot. I'm not sure if bike riding falls under "sports", but I'll include it here anyway, since it involves being active. I remember how my dad used to teach me and my brother how to ride. He found a metal pole and duct taped it to the back of our seats, so if we were about to crash, he'd steer us away from obstacles with it. 

8. Letters. Not the spam you get from colleges, banks, or magazines, but real letters from friends and/or family who take the time to hand write a letter to you to show you that they're thinking about you. As much as I love writing letters, I love to receive them even more. I get so excited when I see a letter for me from my friends (usually Ying or Fanny), and it usually makes my day. I am very enthusiastic about this kind of stuff (I guess this is a rather girly side of me >_<) and I have lots of stickers, stationary, and cute stamps. I also have a huge box that I keep all the cards and letters that people have ever given or sent to me. Sadly, none of my guy friends that I've ever written letters to wrote me back. -.- Fuck you guys. 

9. Making food. Again, for the 384235th time, I am not good at this. In fact, to be honest, I don't know how to cook have ever made anything other than instant ramen and noodles on my own. My stove at home is so scary, and the last time I tried to turn it on to cook something, my sleeve almost caught on fire. -_- I know how to make other things IN THEORY, like choi, eggs, and whatnot, but I've never actually cooked them before, so I don't think I can say that I actually know, y'know? On the other hand, I really enjoy baking, but I've never done that on my own before. Baking is something that I always do with Olivia, whether it be cupcakes, cakes, or cookies. I remember the first time I ever baked anything was in C.P.C, an after school program in elementary school. It was one of the many planned activities that the teachers had for us, and it was fun to make things like mini-pizzas, cookies, and brownies, but it also kinda sucked because we made so much, but were only allowed to eat like 2 pieces. I mean, wtf man. Mad fucked up. :[ 

10. Making others smile. Finally, I think this is something that I can say I'm pretty good at doing. I will go to certain lengths in order to make the people who I hold dear to feel happy and smile. The feeling that I get when I see them smile, knowing that I am the reason why they are happy, makes everything worth it. Recently, I noticed that one friend of mine always has an emotionless expression on his face, and I find it strange how he can type "lol" to me but not even really be smiling (I know because we were webcamming). So when I tell him something dumb that I did and it makes him smile or laugh, I feel a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me feel good inside. 

Heh, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Woke up this morning to find out that I got dumped over 24 hours ago via an offline MSN message. Can't believe the same shit happened to me again. First it was a phone call from another girl, then via text and now this. Talk about déjà vu. 

I feel so fucking stressed and depressed. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe, and the most ironic thing is how sometimes the people I always thought would be there for me to listen to me vent are the people who aren't there for me. It's either that or I feel like I can't confide in them about certain things. I try to reach out to some people, but they shoot me down and don't even bother listening even though I clearly needed them. Instead, I find comfort by confiding in someone I don't talk to regularly. I want to go out and do something to vent out my frustrations. Something that requires me to move and hit things - like handball, baseball, or even basketball. Staying at home will drive me crazy. 

A friend told me that he hates it when I'm so "emo". Well, I hate it too, but it's not like I chose to be like this, nor is it something that I can shake off at will. I need some time, y'know? I know that you're trying to cheer me up and whatnot, but I think right now, I just need to be alone. 

On a side note, while I was at work this Saturday, the nurse told me that I was due for an annual check-up, so I decided to do it before I left. Since I ate already, I couldn't draw my blood that day, but I was able to do everything else. According to my EKG, my heartbeat is slightly abnormal, and after asking me questions about my health, my doctor suggested that I get my heart checked out at a cardiologist's. It also turns out that I am losing weight, despite the fact that I am already underweight. I assure you that I am not doing it purposely. I just don't have an appetite lately, and nothing I eat seems to taste good to me. It's kind of funny though, because every time my grandma sees me, she tells me I got thinner and I never believe her since she always says that, but this time it seems that she's right. 

And lastly, I want to thank my cousin Jason for being there for me, whether it's to bitch about my problems or to spend time with me to take my mind off things. I fucking love you, man. 

Just a list of some pet peeves of mine. 

1. When people lie to me. -- I fucking hate being lied to. It feels disgusting when you realize that what you thought was the truth was nothing but lies, so I am overall a pretty blunt and often called "rude" person. Most of the time, I won't lie to you to protect your feelings, and I'll let you know exactly what's on my mind. Sometimes I have a bad habit of letting people know what I think even if they didn't ask to hear my opinion though. Ahah. My bad...

2. When people touch my shit without permission. -- I hate coming back to my room or my desk or just anything of mine to see that some bitchass nigga went through my shit and moved things around without permission. If you want something, then ask, bitch. Don't be touching my shit.

3. When people touch me without permission. -- This is a bit weird, I guess. I think I'm more touchy about this when it comes to my parents in general and when people try to ruffle my hair or something. Idk, cause I really like it when people STROKE my hair though. It feels good and makes me sleepy. LOL I'm weird. Sound like a cat or something. 

4. When people throw away my things without permission. -- I think this kind of falls under #1 though, don't you think? But point is, I get attached to things, and it pisses me off when people throw my shit out because they think it's junk. Just cause it's junk to you doesn't mean it's nothing to me too, asshole. 

5. When people tell me what to do. -- Maybe it's just me being rebellious and having a twisted personality, but the more someone demands that I do something, the more I don't want to, even if what they're telling me to do was what I was going to originally do. Then I'd do the opposite just to spite him/her.

6. When people ignore me. -- I think this annoys the hell out of everyone, so I'm not even going to bother explaining this. 

7. When people can't mind their own business. -- Kinda like how you're all up in my business right now. Ahah, jk. But I guess I hate how people try to pry into your private matters and then it pisses me off even more when they say "I don't mean to pry, but ____" Nigga if you don't mean to pry, then don't fucking ask. Simple as that. Kind of like how people say "no offense, but ___" You know you're going to offend the other person (that's why you know to say no offense) but you're still going to say it. That means you want to offend him/her. 

8. When people walk really slowly in a crowded place. -- I know you know that the place is super congested because you have eyes, right? And you are still walking at the pace of a snail?! Get the fuck out of the way, fool! Don't have time for your slow ass. I probably got somewhere I need to be.

9. When people flake and not even have the decency to tell me they're not gonna show. -- Ok, not only is it rude to flake, but now you're not even going to tell me that you're not going to come through? Wtf man, don't have me waiting around wondering if you're going to come or not. At least holla so that I can make new plans. Shit. 

10. When people take forever to respond. -- This kind of ties in with #6 because when people take 983478235 years to respond to you, it feels like they're ignoring you, even if they are not. Should just say you're busy with something y'know? That way I'd know that you have a lot of things on your plate and not wait around for you to not respond. 

11. When people talk shit about things they know nothing about. -- Basically is related to #7 because if you're going to be talking about something you know nothing about, then it's probably none of your business and/or you're just assuming shit. It bugs the hell out of me when I hear people telling me that I'm wrong about things that I'm 100% sure I'm right about. For example, accusing me of doing or saying something based on what you heard from someone else. How are you going to tell me that I said or did something that I know I didn't say or do? Especially when you weren't even there and heard it from someone else. Doesn't make sense. 

12. When my mom cooks or buys something that I hate because she "forgot". -- Sorry, I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat with this one, but I am one hell of a picky eater. Yeah, I know it's normal to forget things sometimes. Hell, I do it all the time, but that doesn't make it any less annoying when I have to pick the stuff out of the dish while I'm trying to eat. :[ 

13. When people try to get my attention, and when they have it, they don't say anything. -- Gr8 example of this is how my dad knocks on my door nonstop (because I always have it locked to keep him at bay) and when I ask him what he wants, he refuses to say anything and keeps on knocking until I open the door. And AFTER I open the door, he doesn't have anything to say except to ask me a stupid question. -.-.-

14. When people ask to borrow things, but never return them. -- Dude, it's called BORROWING for a reason. It means that I expect it back from you. No, it doesn't mean that you can have it, you cheapass. I also hate how people confuse the terms and ask to "borrow" things when they really mean "can I have it?" Here's a classic: "Hey, can I borrow a piece of paper?" Ok, you're going to be writing on that sheet of paper, so it's not like I'm going to be getting it back. Why don't you just ask if you can HAVE a piece of paper? It's not rocket science, y'know? This pet peeve also applies to how people don't return things to where they found them at. 

15. When people smoke and/or drink. -- I hate niggas who are walking in front of me, blowing smoke in my face. I usually fast walk to pass them by, so if it's a nigga who smokes AND walks faster than me, then I've got a bone to pick with him/her. Alcoholics are annoying as fuck too because when they are drunk, they get super rowdy and loud and shit. They start talking about shit, but have no idea what they're saying and don't make any sense at all. At the same time, they get pissed if you don't listen to them. 

16. When people talk REALLY loudly. -- This usually applies to elderly Asians, but it doesn't necessarily mean ONLY Asians do this. I'm sure there are tons of people who do this shit too. It's so fucking annoying when people are screaming at each other when they are sitting right next to each other. I mean, unless you're fucking deaf or something, I don't see a reason why you gotta be yelling. It's also super embarrassing when my mom is on the fucking bus and screaming into her phone, and people are glaring at us to shut the fuck up, but she's so damn busy chatting away that she doesn't notice, so I'm the only one who feels ashamed. -_-

17. When people give me false hope. -- Don't say you'll do something and get my hopes up if you have no intentions of putting any effort into making it happen or work out. The feeling of being disappointed over and over again isn't fun at all. It fucking hurts, you piece of shit. 

18. When people take me for granted or take advantage of me. -- This is when I treat people like they're important to me because they are, but not only do they not treat me the same way, they also don't appreciate anything that I do for them. These people only talk to me or treat me nicely when they need something. Otherwise, they wouldn't bother saying a word to me. People who don't appreciate me don't deserve me as a friend. Something that also annoys me is when I take the time and put thought into buying someone a present or making them a card for whatever occasion (usually Christmas and/or birthdays) and they don't even keep or appreciate it. Fucking hate people who either throw it away or give my present away to someone else as a gift. Fag or.

There are probably lots more where these came from. The only reason why they're not on the list is probably because I cannot think of them immediately. I will probably add more when I think of them, so feel free to come back to check this post if you find this shit amusing. 

Today was a typical Sunday morning. Wake up at 6:20, shower, then rush downstairs to catch the 7:30AM bus to work because if I miss it, the next bus doesn't come til another 30 minutes later. In my rush, I got downstairs a good 10 minutes earlier than necessary, so I just sat down at the bus stop to wait. As I was waiting, I noticed a squirrel across the street staring at me, and I decided to be stupid and tried to lure it over by making noise ("tsk tsk tsk") at it. Of course, it took the bait and ran across the street over to where I was standing. It was all good until I realized that it was only 10 feet away from me and had no intention of stopping, which wiped the smile off my face. At this point, I could either scare it off or run. When it was about 4 feet away from me, it paused and stared at me, as if it was daring me to do something. I figured, hey it's just a little rodent -- no problem right? Wrong. I was stomping my feet, feeling REALLY dumb, trying to scare it away, but it didn't run. INSTEAD, she (Yes, it's a female squirrel. She was standing on her hind legs and I could see nipples on the underside of her belly. Gross.) took a few more steps toward me. And that's when I realized ah shit. I'm going to be chased by a fucking squirrel. :[ 

And that wasn't even the worst part. I text my friends telling them about my near-death experience, and all they do is laugh at me or tell me that the squirrel is so cute. =_= One nigga even proceeded to crack a lame joke, saying that the squirrel chased me cause "it thinks you're a nut. Get it?? Get it??" Fuck you. LOL. Thanks a lot, guys. 

It's so ironic how the person who can make you feel giddy, warm, important, and like you're the happiest person on Earth is also the person who can make you restless, confused, anxious, jealous, invisible, and like the saddest person alive. What a twisted world.

A friend told me that I always look so happy. Am I really always happy? Not at all. In fact, the harder I try to seem happy, the sadder I probably am. I just put on a facade in front of others so they don't worry about me, but nobody knows how I really feel inside. When I'm with other people, they help distract me from my problems. But this is only a temporary escape from reality -- once I'm alone again, my mind is free to wander and I am vulnerable to the insecurities, fears,  stress, and sadness that creeps up on and overwhelms me. Why then, do I seem to be so happy all the time? I suppose I am one of those people who smile really easily at things, even when it is not appropriate to be smiling (like at a funeral). Keeping a straight face is harder for me than smiling, so I guess I sometimes end up doing it without even meaning to, kind of like a reflex. I can barely tell when I am smiling forreal and when I'm smiling as a reflex.

I've been pondering on some questions, that people probably think about at one point or another in the course of their life. Is it better to know the truth, even if the truth is ugly, knowing that there's a chance you might not get the answer you want, or is it better to hide behind a wall of lies? Is it worse to be so sad that you can't stop crying or to be so sad that you can't even cry? If you keep trying to change someone who doesn't seem like he will change for you, are you optimistic for believing he will one day, or just stupid for not realizing that it's pointless to keep trying? As you can probably already guess from this xanga entry, yes, I am feeling quite down right now, but I can't seem to cry. I just feel really numb and sad. At times like these, I feel lost, confused, and like I'm all alone in the world, even though I clearly know that I'm not. Yes, I have friends, but there are some things that nobody can really understand even if I tell somebody about my problems. I doubt I'd know where to begin, anyway. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear for a while.