Unfortunately, this will be my last post on Xanga, since it’s shutting down soon. I’m sad to say that I’ve resorted to using Tumblr to blog now. ;__; I spent an hour manually transferring all my Xanga posts from this blog onto Tumblr. It’s the same username, but here’s the link anyway: http://chippedskull.tumblr.com/

o. I haven’t been posting or updating. What can I say? I’m very bz and school is very demanding. As always, I am stressed and tired. I feel as if there’s always something eating away in the back of my mind (school-related) that makes me feel anxious and nauseous and I can’t ever feel 100% at peace. For example, I still haven’t told my mom that I’m going to be taking summer classes (because I actually have to in, since I started clinical during spring semester and I need to catch up to graduate on time anyway) and the tuition bill is due in 3 weeks. My school is extremely expensive and I don’t even know how I’m going to pay for it. I get extremely stressed out during midterm/finals weeks and during that time right before another semester of school begins when I have to pay my tuition bill. o, did I mention that I also get really anxious when I check my email and right before studying for and taking tests? So yeah, I guess you could say that I am just stressed/anxious all the damn time. On top of that, now that I’ve been taking nursing classes and learning about the human body and all the shit that can go wrong with it, I find that I get a little paranoid about every little thing. Things that have never bothered me before, like cankersores, exposed cuts, and even just germ build-up on my hands. I feel the need to purell my hands every time I touch any and everything now; it’s fucking ridiculous! So about an hour ago, I was washing my hands and I looked up at the mirror and noticed a slight dull pain on my neck, so I lightly palpated (aka touched — look at me using fancy medical jargon now hehehehe; I’m such a fag LOL) it and felt something there. In my HAP (Health Assessment and Promotion) class, I learned that you shouldn’t be able to feel your lymph nodes, but I could feel a small..mass (? idk, I’m not 100% sure how to describe it) there that I’m pretty sure is a lymph node. I also have this cankersore under my tongue for a few days now, and it hurts like a bitch. I’m so paranoid; I fear that I might have oral cancer or some serious shit wrong with me. Should probably get that checked out. 

So that’s the school/personal/health aspect of how I’ve been recently. As for my relationships, there’s good and bad — my friendship with close friends (not all ofc) seems to be dwindling down to nothing each month, or every time that I speak to them. There’s not even a set time frame that I can use to “measure” the rate at which our friendship diminishes. It’s just like, every time that I do get the chance to have any sort of interaction with them, the interactions get shorter and shorter, and by the end of it, I just can’t help but think “Damn, we used to be so close. What happened? I don’t even know this person anymore.” And if you’ve been reading my blog posts, then you probably find my bitching and moaning about friends who drift away from me annoying as hell by now, and I’m sorry, but it just bothers me. These people barely make the effort to stay in my life and they don’t even really notice or care that we don’t spend time together anymore. When I am finally free to make the first move to initiate any type of hang-out or interaction with them, they always tell me that they’re too bz doing other things, but then I find out that they had time to hang out with someone else or had time to do something else that’s just as trivial, if not more. And to be honest, that kinda shit annoys me to the point where it kinda pisses me off and now I feel as if a part of me that cares about them died lol. On the bright side though, I think that my romantic relationship is going smoothly and my boyfriend makes me really happy. Sometimes I can’t believe how far along we’ve come, especially when I think back to how unsteady our relationship first started out and compare that to how great things are now, in terms of communication and just making time for each other and making things work despite being so far apart. So yeah, my life hasn’t all gone to shit because no matter how shitty my day is, at the end of it all, there’s still that one person who I can look forward to coming home to and count on to console me and make me feel better. ^v^ ♥ What can I say? I’m in love.

Well, of course people change after you’ve known them for a while. That’s how people drift apart, how friendships shatter, and how relationships end. That’s the “bad” sort of change though, isn’t it? That I’ve seen many times. But what I’m asking about is the good kind of change. When someone tells me they’ve changed or that they will change, should I believe them and hope that it’ll happen? A friend recently told me that people will never change and that the same things will always come back and bite you in the ass, even though they claim that they will change. Should I take that as the truth, or should I continue to hold out and hope that things will actually be different this time? 

Happy March, guys! I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been really busy. Shit, I bought this journal that I’m supposed to write only one sentence into everyday, but I haven’t found the time to do even something as simple as that. I just know that I’m so tired — physically and emotionally tired. Other than school and work, I barely get any time to myself to relax, so in order to do anything else, I’d have to sacrifice my sleep time, which is what I’ve been doing to spend time with my friends and boyfriend. As a result, I feel dead tired every day. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by the amount of work that I need to do for school that I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. Nursing school is anything but fun and I wish I have that remote control from the movie Click that allows me to fast forward into the future because I just want school to be over and done with. And I keep getting asked if I’m sure that I want to be a nurse, if I can see myself doing nursing for the rest of my life, and the truth is, I don’t fucking know anymore. I really don’t. It’s not like I particularly hate or dislike what I’d have to do as a nurse, I just hate nursing school and I’m not exactly passionate about nursing. That, and I don’t know if I have the confidence or skills to do the job right either. Thinking about the future scares the hell out of me because I don’t want to have all these expectations and plan my entire future out only to find out that things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to (’cause things never go exactly as planned) and then end up being all disappointed and shit. These questions really annoy me because I’m starting to second-guess my decision to go into nursing, but at the same time I’m already more than halfway in, so it’d be stupid to back down now. 

Ok, so now let’s get to the touchy-feely part about my emotions. I’ve already kinda begun talking about it, when I mentioned the stress that I get from school, work, and whatnot, but there’s more. I feel… idk, lonely I guess? I miss having friends in the city who I can hang out with and talk to. I have no friends in school, and it’s not even like I don’t talk to anybody or I don’t think they’re nice — some of the girls in my classes are really nice, but I think we’re just acquaintances/classmates right now. I don’t think I can call them my friends yet because I don’t even know anything about them, and we don’t hang out after class either, unless it’s to study, but I don’t think that counts. And the thing is, it’s not even like I don’t want to hang out or they don’t want to hang out. It’s just that none of us has the time to do anything like that. So even if my friends were in the city, I probably still wouldn’t be able to find the time to hang out with them. The lack of social interaction has really taken a toll on me, and life just feels like shit right now because it’s so goddamned monotonous. But what about your boyfriend, Jessica? Doesn’t spending time with him make things better? Yeah, when we actually do spend time together, it really does help relieve my stress. However, I feel like communication is always going to be a problem between us because he’s so far away, so communication is really important in order to keep our relationship going, and I keep telling him that, but I don’t even know if he gets it. I find myself telling him the same thing every time we get into a “fight”(sorta, not really?), and each time I tell him what the problem is, he says okay and that he’ll try not to do it anymore, but then he’ll do it again. Am I talking to a wall? I don’t want to seem like an impatient bitch who’s extremely demanding, but I’ve said it many times already, and I really hate repeating myself. I mean, you’re not 14 years old, so stop behaving like you are. Why can’t you do what you say you’ll do? I’m tired of having to repeat myself and continuously being disappointed. And it sucks to be me because it’s worse when it’s coming from someone you like. Why bother trying to spend time with someone and wasting your sleep time waiting for him when he doesn’t even realize that you’re waiting for him to spend time with you? Yeah, you’re right. I’m going to stop. I’m just going to start treating him the way he treats me. 

How the hell do you exist? I hate you; go away. 

Cursing you down to your last droplet of pus,
Jessica

She sits there in the corner of her room,
feeling exhausted, stressed, and all alone.
Waiting patiently for him to approach her first,
she does what she can to not look at her phone.

She wants to watch a movie, maybe play a game,
or just chat about their day. It really doesn’t matter.
She just wants to spend some time together,
though she’d probably prefer the latter.

Hours go by and still he’s too busy for her
It’s getting rather late, and almost time for bed,
yet still he’s too preoccupied with his own shit.
Other than food, games and sleep, wtf else is in his head?

It pains me to watch her do this to herself,
for she holds onto a blade that makes her bleed.
Let go of it, I beg her, it’s not worth it– 
he is not something that you need.

But I really like him, she starts to protest
Yes, but that won’t keep your relationship going.
He’s a really sweet and nice guy though!
So what? His feelings aren’t even showing.

Tell me darling, when was the last time
he initiated a conversation with you?
Does he ever call to ask about your day
or want to know if you’re feeling happy or blue? 

Do you enjoy being treated like a trophy? 
Cause he only worked hard to get you back, 
and once you agreed to start dating again,
his efforts, did they not begin to lack?

Besides, I added, you’ve told him again and again
to stop taking you for granted, to show you he cares.
Only then he comes back with minimal effort
but the next day again, he’s not going to be there. 

I’m sorry, dear, and I know I’m being blunt,
but sadly, the truth ain’t pretty, and it is what it is.
I know, you’re right, she replies weakly with a sigh.
Perhaps I should really consider no longer being his.

She met him.
Infatuated and intrigued,
she chased him.
Curious, yet confused, 
he left her.
That’s okay cause
she got over it. 
Regretful,
he came back.
Hesitant,
yet she’s still drawn to him.
Determined,
he proved himself.
Overjoyed,
o be still my heart!

They got back together. 
Attentiveness, gone. 
Desire to spend time together, none. 
She’s stressed and tired,
yet he continuously neglects her.
Don’t make her feel so pathetic, she begs of him. 
Days go by, and still no effort is made.
He takes her presence for granted,
so tell me darling, what would he do if she disappeared?

(Do keep in mind, actions speak louder than words,
though he gives her neither.)

I’m gonna start posting cute monkey pictures here (cause who needs a Tumblr to post pictures? I’m too lazy to make one, and fuck Tumblr. I can do that shit on Xanga too!). And maybe some whale pictures, cause they remind me of Brian. This one was from Caffy♥. It looks like her FaceBook cover photo, only hers is a sheep with glasses and not a monkey. Ohohoh. Ty Caffy! +v+

o. Another year gone by so quickly, and 2013 sounds so gross. “Twenty-thirteen” or “two-thousand thirteen” both. Anyway, this winter break is supposed to be the best winter break ever because Brian came to New York to see me. That and Caffy also came back to NY to spend her winter break with me too!  o. And I took a big step and officially told my parents about Brian, that we’re dating and asked if he could stay over at our place for a week or so. My mom said okay, but didn’t like the idea of us sleeping together on the same bed, but I did it anyway. I expected my father to bitch or yell at me, but so far he didn’t. I guess it’s because I never tell them anything and this is the first time that I am, so they don’t want to fuck it up. Because if they do, I won’t tell them jack shit anymore, and my dad will probably nag me after Brian leaves anyway. And I mean, it still IS the best winter break ever, but nothing ever goes 100% as planned.

December 27th – Brian was supposed to get here on Dec 27th at 6 PM, but because of a snow storm upstate/in Canada, the buses got delayed for a good 10 hours or something. Then Brian missed the bus because there were too many people lining up, so he had to get on the second bus going to NY. When he finally got on a bus, it broke down somewhere near Binghamton and it was a shitty bus, so no wifi/outlets and the chairs didn’t fold back. On top of all that, Brian was sick too. 

December 28th — He finally got here at around 7AM (~24+ hours after leaving his house), and his cold got worse. So he spent the entire day sleeping and I just took care of him, I guess? Apparently this nigga doesn’t get sick a lot, so he’s a complete noob at how to cure colds. I told him to drink more fluids and take medicine, then sleep and sweat it off, but he’s like “no, I don’t like sweating, it’s gross”. I’ve been sick 932872935 times, so I think I would know how to get better, so I said that’s the only way to get better faster: sweating & peeing a lot. Then that hoe calls me a fake nurse :[ Was supposed to go karaoke with Caffy, Peter, Jason, Ying & Olivia, but Brian wasn't up for it, so we cancelled. T-T Sry guys. 

December 29th -- Woke up and Brian was feeling a bit better. It was supposed to snow all day, so we stayed home and didn't do jack shit. Watched a messed up/funny Korean movie and then took an afternoon nap together. My mom called us at 7PM and told us to get ready cause she was taking us out to get sushi for dinner with my cousin and his wife. Went home and watched Dredd online with Brian as we cuddled. Then went to bed.

December 30th -- Made plans with Caffy & Peter to go eat dimsum, then ice skating at Chelsea Piers after, but because we got out by 12, all the dimsum places were packed and we went to Cha Chan Tang instead for HK food. Caffy was upset with us for not getting there on time & making her wait, so I bought her a drink later on to apologize. Not long after we got to the rink, Jason arrived too. I am pretty bad at ice skating, but I guess I can sorta skate? Dunno, prob only with someone else holding my hand though. I lose my balance randomly and almost fell 289357985 times, but Brian caught me, so I didn't.  Jason fell about 15 mins after arriving and hurt his back/neck, so he didn't skate after that. :[  He also dragged Caffy down with him because she was teaching him how to skate, and she hit her head. Potor skated on his own for a bit, but also fell down with Caffy cause of some old man stopping randomly in front of them. It was fun, but tiring, and at the end of the day, only Brian & I didn't fall OHOHOHO. We went to eat dinner at Ritz after, and then took Caffy home. Jason took us back to his place and we just sat around for a good 30-40 mins talking. Then that fag said he doesn't want to drive anymore, so he made Peter take Brian & I home. Ty Potor, so kind ;v;  Watched Lord of The Rings: Fellowship of the Ring with Brian before knocking out. 

December 31st -- New Year's Eve. Brian and I slept in til around 2PM, and I finally got up to shower at 3PM. We went out to ktown to eat brunch at Shilla. We both ordered a bibambap and a 5 piece dumpling appetizer. I finished my bibambap AND ate 3 dumplings, but that nigga only had 2 dumplings and couldn't finish his bibambap. Can't believe I can eat more than Brian. Brian, who loves to eat. Brian, who has a bottomless pit for a stomach. Brian, who's a whale. Then that nigga tried to make up excuses and said he ate a lot of the side dishes, which wasn't that much at all. PFSH. I BEAT YOU NIGGA OHOHOHO. Then we took the N train to 8th ave and met up with Jason @ Fei Long Supermarket to get ingredients for hotpot because Brian wanted to hotpot for NYE. So hotpot is supposed to be everyone putting whatever they want to eat in the pot and cooking it for themselves, right? Jason's mom, Sylvia, Jason, Brian & I sat around the dinner table, but Jason's mom was doing all the cooking. In fact, she already pre-cooked the ALREADY pre-cooked beef/squid/egg/cuttlefish balls. Didn't let us do jack shit until Jason started yelling at his mom for spoiling him and taking the fun out of hot potting ahaha. Then Jason's mom made a comment saying that everyone's going for Canadians (Jason has a GF in Canadia and Brian's also from there) and asked Sylvia when she was going to bring one home too. LOL That set off a whole conversation about how worried she was about whether or not Sylvia could get a BF/married in the future. It was hilarious. Got home at 11:50something, just in time to count down for new years. Brian gave me a sloppyass new year's kiss and we watched half of Lord of the Rings: Two Towers before I started falling asleep, so we just went to bed. 

January 1st -- Just woke up ~an hour ago to my mom asking if we wanted to go dimsum with my cousin who came to visit from Nevada, but we were still in bed, didn't even shower yet, so I passed. Didn't know what to do today, so I started looking up things to do in NYC in the winter online. How sad, huh? I'm from the city and I don't even know what to do. It is now 2:30PM and Brian is still sleeping, that lazyassnigga. Dunno what we're gonna do yet today, but it's kinda nice that he's the last person I see before falling asleep and the first person I see when I wake up. :] 

o. Today marks my last day of being a teenager. And what did I spend it doing? Slept in late, and played League of Legends all day. lol Damn, I feel like I’m getting old so quickly, but people get so annoyed with me whenever I say that because they’re usually older than me, haha. Honestly, time flies by so quickly as I get older. It’s kind of scary how fast I’m turning into an “adult” in terms of aging, but yet I still feel like a child inside. o, here’s my annual picture with my little dark uncle during our family birthday celebration. Shiet, I think I still look like a little kid.