I find that I don't say what I really want to say. Especially when I'm mad at the person. For example, I have a friend whom I was once very close with before, but now I don't know where our friendship stands anymore. We stopped talking for a period of time because I had to focus on school and he.. well, I'm not sure what he was up to, since we didn't talk. When I tried to talk to him again, I could tell things aren't the same as they were before. It feels like he's changed, and no longer cares about me as a friend as he once did. The thought of that hurts and I try to talk to him and rekindle our friendship, but it feels like I'm the only one who still gives a shit. And because he gives me the "I don't care about you anymore" feeling, based on his responses, I get frustrated and pissed. So instead of telling him that I missed him and miss talking to him, I end up picking fights with him due to having too much pride to -- I don't know -- beg? Actually it's not really begging, but some part of "I miss the way things used to be. Why can't we go back to being like that?" sounds pathetic and very close to begging to me and being the prideful person that I am, I refuse to beg someone in any way, shape or form to talk to me.

Having said that, why can't I just move on then, right? I mean, there's always that saying "If someone doesn't make the effort to stay in your life, then you shouldn't reserve a spot in your heart for them" or some shit like that. I'm not sure, since I read it off some nigga's Tumblr just yesterday, and it propelled me to get this off my chest. I mean, I think that it makes a lot of sense, what the quote is saying, but for some reason, it's very hard for me to let go of a bond I have with someone. It's something I don't exactly like about myself, but it's also something that is very hard for me to change. When I'm on the verge of completely giving up on someone, I tend to think back on the times that the person was actually good to me, and having those memories just makes it hard for me to let go. /sigh.

So I'm currently on spring break and it fucking sucks cause everyone else has it in April. The only people who have it at the same time as me (that I know of, anyway) are Andrew Li and my cousin Sylvia. FFS it's already Thursday, meaning after the weekend, break's over! The only fun things I've done over break are: bowling on Sunday with my cousin and her rowdy kids, sleep over @ Fanny's on Monday night, take pictures with Fanny @ a ghetto park on Tuesday morning, play badminton at night with Jason and Sylvia, and sleep over at Jason's. OKOK I know it LOOKS like a lot when I write it down like that, but it doesn't seem like much to me.  o and I guess last Thursday I snuck Ying-a-Ling into my Krn class and she finished watching Speed Scandal with us.   Ehehe Prof. Kim is such a sweet lady.

I have a feeling this xanga entry's going to be kinda long. Idk, but there are some shit that I just feel like writing down. At the same time, I'm not sure if I want all these people to be all up in my business, so I guess I'll compromise and just be vague about it. And obviously, I'm not going to be answering any questions asking for specifics because LIKE I SAID, I still want my privacy. First things first, I haven't really been "online" much. Not to say that my internet's messed up cause it's not. I just haven't been on any of those messenger programs because honestly, I don't have time during the day due to school. I have work after school and when I'm finally home, I don't want to be distracted. I need to focus on school (which I am doing well in so far) and internet is a huge distraction. I mean, I miss talking to people (certain people especially), but I think it's best if I just shut myself off from the world when school's in session. Anyway, I took my first Krn exam on Thursday and I think I did pretty well. :> So proud of myself. I am really enjoying my Krn and creative writing classes. They're so much fun, so I think it's worth waking up early (at 6AM to get to 8AM class) for.

So, I'm sick. Again. For the fourth time since summer ended. That's so sad, getting sick that many times this fall/winter season. Usually it's just 1 cold a year. That's not all -- I've also been getting nosebleeds quite frequently and I haven't had those in years. WHY IS MY BODY SO WEAK?! It wasn't like this before!! Y'think it's because of how warm this winter is? I thought that it was a good thing that there's no snow this winter, but my mom said that it's bad cause people will get sick easily like that. Don't get how that is, but whatevs. /shrug. My left nostril is clogged and nothing comes out when I blow. My left ear also doesn't seem to pop, even when I yawn non-stop and pinch my nose and blow. It's so uncomfortable. -.-

But this time it's my own fault that I got sick. I did something bad, fully aware of the consequences and now I have to pay for it. You know what I realized? I think I am just a magnet for disaster. I am attracted to disaster. My relationships are more or less one-sided most of the time, whether it be friendship or romance.  I always end up caring about the other person more than he/she cares about me. I know it, and yet I can't stop myself from doing so. That's something I don't quite like about myself. When I decide to let someone into my life, I end up caring way too much. It's a recipe for disaster -- for me, anyway. It's so sad to think that I'd go to such lengths for these people whom I value and cherish, but they wouldn't do the same for me. I can barely cry when I feel sad, but I find that I tear up easily when I fight with a good friend. Sometimes I wish I could stop caring.

I'm sure everyone doesn't like hypocrites and I don't either. And so I try not to be one myself, but everyone will always be hypocritical one way or another because nobody is perfect. One thing that is basically a rule in society: people shouldn't cheat on their boy/girl friends and/or spouses. I mean, I totally agree with that. And yet here I am practically encouraging someone to cheat on his girlfriend with me. I am the "third" person in this weird..."relationship", if you will. Omg, Jessica. You're such a fucking bitch. You wouldn't like that if you were the guy's girlfriend. You're absolutely right. I wouldn't. I'd hate to find out that my boyfriend's cheating on me. So why am I still doing this? I don't know. Honestly, I don't want to break up their relationship. I just find comfort in his touch, especially when I feel down or depressed. Although what we have is purely physical, I can't explain it, but in those brief hours that I spend with him, whatever emptiness I may feel inside gets filled up with a warm feeling. The type of warm feeling you get when you're in what you think is love, except now i can get it without the worry and mess of a relationship. It's kind of like that saying that we humans have grown to only care about instant gratification. We do what we have to do in order to get what we want right here, right now. I guess that's pretty selfish of me, huh? Ofc, he doesn't know that I only go to him when I feel really down and need him, so half the time when I do seek his comfort, he doesn't give it. That's okay though, because I don't intend to let him ever find out. I've discovered that when people know they're important to you, they get cocky and treat you like shit because you "need" them. Anyway, I'm sick because I kissed him even though I knew he was sick. I'm not complaining though. Well, there you go. Maybe karma really does exist.

Sup ya'll. Happy Valentine's Day to those of you who love this holiday or have someone to spend it with. For me and a bunch of other people, it's "Single Awareness Day". Eh, this holiday never really mattered to me anyway. Prob cause I never spent it with anyone before. /shrug. Anyway, I went to tutor Katrina at around 4PM give or take, as usual and she surprised me by giving me what she calls a "card" lol. It was sweet of her, I guess. Especially since I'm always yelling at her when I tutor her. I honestly don't think I should be allowed to teach young children. I have such a bad temper. I am not exaggerating either when I say that I am barely able to hold myself back sometimes from slapping her. It's not that I hate her, ofc. I think I just hate how slow she is. I actually think she's a really good and obedient kid -- that's what makes tutoring her bearable. Anywho, here's the card I got from her. It's really just pictures glued onto an index card, but I appreciate the thought.

So school has started up again and I switched classes after the semester started, which put me at a disadvantage because my first day of certain classes was at least everyone else's 3rd day of that specific class. I decided to take Intro to Korean 1 because I enjoyed learning new languages and I also watch krn dramas, so why not, y'know? DAMN that shit is hardddddd and confusing! Not to mention the class starts at 8AM Mon-Thurs, so it's taking a toll on my body. I'm not used to sleeping so early :[ But whatevs, I still really like the class. My professor is a sweet krn lady who speaks terribad English and there are a total of 5 people in the class. LOL I think it's because the department added that class last minute, so there are only 5 of us -- 2 Krn guys, 1 white boy, 1 Chinese boy and me.

So one of the krn guys sits next to me and I don't know why because there's no such thing as assigned seats, but I've been sitting in the same spot. Maybe he's like me and just prefers to sit in the same seat all the time. Anyway, I've been kind of behind in that class and I still don't really know how to pronounce the krn characters while everyone else can seemingly do it with EASE. T-T The other day, Professor Kim was telling us to take turns reading some shit out loud and I had no idea how to say something. Good thing Krn boy next to me was helping me out /PHEW. So nice. Funny thing is, I have no idea what he looks like because I've been too nervous to turn and stare at his face. LOL Besides, I can't do that without him noticing, since he's sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME. All I know is he's krn and wears glasses. Don't even know anyone's names in the class either. FFS I'm such a lost cause haha.

Well, I did it. I cut my hair short like I said I would in one of my previous xanga entries. It's not that bad, but will probably take some time for me to get used to. This is the shortest that it's been since that one time my mom told the barber to cut it just below my ears in elementary school. I cried so hard, haha. I've been getting mixed reactions to my haircut. The barber said it makes me look like a little school girl. My parents say it makes me look more mature. My brother said "eww you look like a bitch", but he says that all the time, so I guess that one doesn't count. When I went up to my grandma's to give her that card (which her caretaker thought I printed off the internet, WTF nigga! Give me some credit yo) she said my haircut makes me look like a middle aged woman LOL. T_T

Got together with Jason today to make a Chinese New Year card for my grandparents (mainly my grandma; my grandpa doesn't give two shits about anything other than his Asian dramas). Hopefully my grandma will be less angry about how I don't visit her enough even though I live close by. The reason why I don't go is because everytime I show up, she always makes me leave with a huge bag of something (usually food). It is very generous of her to give me shit, but it's a hassle for me to carry it home. Yes, I am a lazy fuck. Sue me. Anyway, as I expected, Jason didn't help much (at all) and only sat around texting while I was drawing a stupid Chinese dragon, which I didn't know how to draw so I had to look up how on YouTube, because the dragon is this year's zodiac. Didn't know what to write in it, so basically wrote: 恭喜發財！(Congratulations on making lots of money, I think?) 新年快樂！(Happy new year) 身體健康！(Have a healthy body) and then we signed it. The blue ink was Jason, black was mine. Here's the card:

Coloring's kinda shitty, but whatevs. Not too shabby for my first dragon drawing, ehhh? lol

Too lazy to blog about all the other fun exciting things I did over break with Jason, Pete & Caffy, so just go to Peter's page. If you didn't notice, his name is embedded with a link, noob. I like to embed links in my xanga entries randomly, so if you missed it, your loss. Now you're probably going to start reading more carefully, using your cursor to highlight the text as you read LOL. That is, if you care enough to want to look. 

Anyway, in short: Jason, Peter, Sylvia and I went kite flying, but failed horribly because there was no wind (as stated in Pete's xanga entry). Gave up then went to play badminton at night at the park. Ended up leaving with a racket that needed to be superglued back together. Tried again after about 2 days, but pretty much failed again. Kite flying is not as ez as it looks, guys. 4srs. Peter pretty much covered everything in his blog entry. Except he forgot one important incident in which Jason was sitting in the back of his car playing with some app that makes random sounds (i.e clapping, laughing, farting). So Jason was like "WAIT WAIT" then we heard a really FAKE farting noise, but being the gullible nigga that he is, Peter thought it was real and immediately started rolling down the windows LOLOL. I died. NOOB. Will update this entry later with videos of our kite flying fails so you can all laugh at my crappy kite flying skills. Have work tomorrow @ 8AM. Need to get up at 6:20AM, so gonna crash now. Night, nigs. zzzZz.

Edit:

I also forgot to mention that I recently fell in love. With a Chinese male who has rather large balls (not exaggerating on this point). When my parents first found out about him, they were not very happy about him, but I don't care. He's going to be living with me no matter what. I guess they don't like him because he looks like a rat. HAMSTERS (yes, he's a hamster, guys LOL) ARE NOT RATS. They're so cute. I decided to name him Stuart after the rodent in that really old movie Stuart Little. Thanks JJM for gr8 present!

o, and I uploaded one video last night, but apparently it got REJECTED cause YouTube only allows 15 mins max of HD video. I DIDN'T KNOW THIS, SO I WASTED 3 HOURS UPLOADING IT. LA;KJSDF I shortened it and am in the process of uploading it again right now. Should be available in approximately...148 minutes. You will just have to wait until then. Toodles!

This year's Christmas Eve was probably the best ever. Went ice skating at Chelsea Piers with Fanny, Yuriy, Caffy, Peter and Jason. I haven't ice skated in years, so I didn't remember how to do it -- not that I knew how to begin with. So when we got there, it turns out that pretty much all of us except for Fanny and Yuriy didn't know how to skate. Because there were 6 of us, and Fanny and Yuriy are a couple, that only leaves Jason, Peter, Caffy and me to be partners with each other. I paired up with Caffy, which left Jason and Peter to either hold hands or fend for themselves. Peter and Jason didn't want to hold hands at first, so they were glued to the edge of the rink, and barely moved by the time Caffy and I circled the rink once. Eheheh. But eventually, they caved and held hands, OHOHOHO. Unfortunately, I did fall once and I dragged Caffy along with me T_T LOL BUT IT'S OK!! We worked out a system to keep us standing if one of us ever loses balance by grabbing each other's outer hand like we're dancing. Gr8 skating partner ehehehe. After skating, we decided to go play pool. I think it was Caffy's first time playing pool, so she was not very good. But it's a-ok. I sucked when I first started out too. Sometimes I still suck.

Because today was the last day that Caffy could stay in NY, we made plans last night to go shopping together. Since I knew I was going to wake up early this morning, I went to sleep relatively early at around 12:30ish? But it was only because I had an argument with a really good friend, which really upset me. Due to this, I had a difficult time falling asleep. For those of you who don't know me, I usually can fall asleep anywhere anyplace doing anything. Sleep comes so easily to me, it isn't even funny sometimes. But last night, I had a bitch of a time trying to sleep. I even tried listening to music to put myself to sleep, but that took an hour. Then when I finally fall asleep, about an hour later (2:20AM?) a text message wakes me up. And this is mad bullshit because when I woke up, my music was still on playing, but I was somehow able to hear the text through the music. Thanks to that totally pointless text, I woke up and it took me an even longer time trying to fall asleep (an hour and a half this time) -_- And it doesn't even make sense because later on at around 6AM and 8AM in the morning I get more texts, and my music was OFF but I couldn't hear them at all. What. The. Fuck.

Anyway, met up with Caffy at around 11 today and we got sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts again. Caffy seems to really love that ham and cheese flat. The face that she makes when she's sniffing it is mad cute. She also likes to spontaneously do embarrassing and funny things like burst out into a song (Doe, a deer a female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun, etc) loudly in the middle of Chinatown, or read a Spanish book obnoxiously inside of a bookstore out loud, not caring that people are looking at her funny. If you know me, you'll know that I prefer to hang around with guys more than girls, but I think that I can get along well with this girl. Then we went to that park on Grand street, but at the area with tables and old people near the jungle gym to eat because there was a hobo nigga sleeping inside of Dunkin Donuts and we did not want to sit next to him lol. People walking by were staring at us for some reason. Perhaps it is because we were the only young teenaged girls sitting next to a bunch of old hags playing cards. Caffy found and bought Ray a lamb pillowpet. AWW. Ahaha. After walking around for a few hours on Broadway, we got mad hungry, so we went to eat at X.O. Caffy's order came with a slice of cucumbers, cole slaw and a big slice of tomato (about 1/5th of a whole tomato sliced like an orange). Her plate was placed in a way that the tomato skin is facing Peter and the seeds & insides were facing Caffy and me (across the table). At one point, in the middle of eating, Peter looks at Caffy's plate and goes "o Coffee your lemon has some blood on it" LOLOLOL. Holy shit nigga doesn't even know what a tomato is.

Sup ya'll. So this is what I ended up doing for my birthday. Video was shot with my new camera in HD quality, but friggin' HD takes FOREVER to upload, so I had to downsize it. /SIGH T__T