o. Terr showed me the cutest fucking thing EVER. ehehehe.
I shall post this because it makes me smile every time I look at it. +v+ ♥
And yes, monkeys are my favorite animal. 

Mary. o, where to begin with this Mary? Well, she's been coming over for almost a year now or maybe more. I'm not sure, since I don't care. And when she's over, ofc I do the bare minimum and greet her n' shit, y'know? But sometimes I don't do that either, because she doesn't ever greet me first. Either that or I'm in a bad mood and can't be bothered with her. When she brings her friends over to hang out at my place, I don't even bother to say hi to them cause I find them annoying. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- I'm a bitch, I know. One time my mom was home and called me out on it. She pulled me over and told me to say hi to this Lucy girl, but since I hate being told what to do, I just looked at her and asked why should I? Anyway, back to this Mary. My brother seems to really like her (I honestly don't know why because she's average with looks, her personality isn't all that great either, and from what I can see, not girlfriend material) to a point where he's completely whipped and looks pathetic. It's pretty sad to see him cry over her ignoring him, even though the reasons for her ignoring him are retarded as hell and he's not even at fault. So for example, my brother told me one time that he drove over to Brooklyn to pick her up, but because of heavy traffic he was a little late. For that she kept bitching at him and threatened to break up or whatever the hell it was. Stupid. As. Fuck. If my boyfriend came to pick me up, I'd be appreciative, not pissed cuz he's 5 mins late. Ofc, I'm not sure how accurate this story is because my moron brother does like to lie a lot, which is dumb on his part. Probably accounts for half of the fights between them, and the other half is her being stupid and getting mad at every little thing. 

WHY now, do I give enough of a fuck about them to be dedicating this blog entry to them? Because every fucking time that she threatens to break up with or ignores my brother, he starts bawling his fucking eyes out and screams n' shit so that NOBODY can fucking sleep. Just the other night she came over and my brother was helping her with her math homework. After she goes home though, a fight somehow starts (this is a reoccurring pattern) and they somehow find something to argue about. I had work the next day, so I had to wake up at 6AM. But I couldn't fucking sleep because this dumb cunt next door kept crying and moaning and being a little bitch. Kept the entire family up, and it pissed both my parents off, but every time they yelled at him, he just screamed back and told them to leave him alone. What a selfish little cunt. Kept everyone up just because he's unhappy. By 2AM I got sick of being kept awake, so I picked up my phone and sent an angry text to Mary, telling her to stop fucking troubling my family with their stupid problems and that I need to wake up early for work the next morning. It's pretty funny though, because the next day when I was falling asleep at work, my brother texted me and pretty much yelled at me for the text. It read "wtf if u got something to say, say it to my fucken face", which is so hypocritical because clearly, Mary is the one who probably has something to say, but is too much of a pussy to say it to my face, so she goes and tells my brother to do the dirty work. I've always felt like this girl was afraid of me or some shit because she always tells my mom to tell me things that she's too scared to say herself. I dislike people like that. Anyway, the point of this story is she claims she's not coming over anymore because I yelled at her. Boo fucking hoo. I sure won't miss her. 

That this relationship means something to you. I'm tired of always having to be the one to initiate a conversation. And I'm sick of being second to your gaming buddies/games. I feel extraneous in your life -- unnecessary, even. Yeah, I like you. A lot. But those feelings lessen a little with every day that you neglect me. I refuse to be the only one who puts any effort into this relationship. Again. I'm not going to give in this time, either, so don't expect me to come back and talk to you after a few days because if you don't even care, then why the hell should I? 

Man, I sometimes wish we all had no feelings. Then there's one less way for us to get hurt. But I guess you could argue that we wouldn't be able to experience happiness. I feel like we all try to hard to go about doing things so that we can spare ourselves to feelings of hurt and sadness, but it's not possible to really be completely invulnerable. So recently, a lot of good and close friends are feeling shitty and down for various reasons, and being an ESFJ, apparently I sense and feel more than I judge and think, so I guess their feelings reflect onto me and influence my mood. Not that I'm trying to make their problems into something about me, I just feel kinda upset that I don't really know what to do to make them feel better. Yesterday, a friend was texting me about feeling down/depressed over something, but she wasn't being very clear, so it kind of annoyed me because it sort of irks me when people say something is wrong, yet won't tell me what the problem exactly is. I'm sorry, but I don't really know how to help you if I don't know what is wrong. Then my other friend told me that I suck at comforting people and that I am like a guy in that sense, which is unfortunately true. It's probably one of the reasons why I don't get along well with my mother, haha. 

On a side note, last week I had to work with a partner in my psych class, and luckily for me, this girl sitting behind me asked to work with me. She was Asian too, and we kinda hit it off, I'd like to think. It's funny because we've been in the same class for half the semester now, but only started talking now. Well, actually it's not that surprising, seeing as we don't have assigned seats and I usually sit in random empty seats when I walk in. But anyway, so we chatted during break and worked together on group work shit. It was nice, having someone to talk to. One thing that I noticed, though, was that this girl is fucking pretty. And idk, I don't have many female friends and being a girl myself, I am pretty harsh at judging other girls (not in the sense that I call everyone ugly, but in the sense that I don't call other girls pretty unless I think she's actually pretty). Like most people who enjoy looking at pretty things, I found this girl pleasing to the eyes -- NO HOMO (SO IF BY ANY CHANCE YOU'RE READING THIS, I SWEAR I'M NOT A LESBIAN!! Not that there's anything wrong with gays/lesbians, but ya I don't swing that way.) Today we sat next to each other again, and I felt the urge to blurt out "you're really pretty" out of nowhere to her, but idk if that's gonna weird her out so I didn't. LOL :[ After thinking about it though, it's not like me to hold back from expressing myself. I am straightforward, and it is what it is so I shall tell her next week! 

I've been disappointed so much in my life, by people who I love and care about. Honestly, I don't know how to handle disappointment anymore. I'm so sick and tired of being let down, but it's a lot worse when you actually give a huge shit about the person or people who are disappointing you. There are two types of disappointment that I feel right now: 
1. When someone intentionally makes the decision to do stupid things and make me worry about them
2. When someone either can't see or chooses to ignore the blatant fact that I care about them, and doesn't reciprocate

I wanted to vent and shit, but there's not much I can even say about this. It just sucks to feel this way about someone you love. I'm scared that I'll start building up walls around me and pushing people away just to avoid this feeling. 

Sometimes I really can't stand living at home. I've wanted to stop living with my family for a long time. Probably since I started high school. I remember always feeling like shit and bitching about my family to close friends. Back then, it was the constant arguments, either between my parents or between me and my brother or -- anyway, it's just a lot of arguing between the four of us. I'd sit in my room trying to drown everything out by blasting my music. I used to think that the people who end up having psychological problems due to a bad family background sounded like a bunch of bullshit, but now I'm starting to understand how it can really affect people. 

The constant arguing was a thing of the past. I have to say that now, things are a lot better between us. But ofc, better doesn't mean 100% perfect. Nor does it mean that I no longer have the desire to leave this shithole because I definitely still do. Even though there's a lot less arguing now, I still hate living with my family. I feel so suppressed and suffocated here. I know my parents don't like the idea of me "leaving the nest" one day, but shit, they don't even try to hide that fact. They always seem to be hovering over me and telling me what to do, always giving me so much pressure and shit. Sometimes this apartment feels like a jail cell to me, a means for my parents to keep their eyes on me. And by not letting me go to school upstate, I feel like they're trying to put a leash around me. On top of that, now I have this huge burden on my chest and a lot of pressure to do well in school because my parents have to pay a lot out of pocket for my tuition. I pretty much have to work as much as possible to help pay for tuition, so I barely have time to relax and go out to do whatever I want. I'm not even living, just surviving. I think part of this is my brother's fault. 

Where do I start with my brother? Well, I remember disliking and even probably hating my brother from as far back as I can remember. From elementary to high school, he was always ill-mannered, short-tempered and pretty much just a huge dick to me. Not only would he verbally abuse me, he hurt me physically a few times too. And ofc, being me, I'm not one to just take his shit, so I talk and try to fight back too, but knowing me, I'm a fucking stick so obviously I can't beat a guy who's stronger than me. What do I think about my brother? I used to think he's a no-good immature piece of shit who's a sad excuse for a brother because he never treated me like a younger sister. But hey, you know that saying that guys just mature slowly, and sibling relationships get better eventually? Well, that's true because our relationship is a lot better now. We don't physically fight anymore, but we'll still get into arguments sometimes, and when we do, things get ugly. I still think he's immature as fuck, but definitely more mature than he was in the past. He's funny, but tries too hard to fit in, which also means he's easily influenced and caves to peer-pressure like nothing. He also has a kind heart that most people probably can't see right away. I'm sure that deep (way deep) down inside, we care for and maybe even love each other. Anyway, back to the point. Part of the reason why I've got a leash and all this pressure/hopes placed upon me is because he's not mature enough. Essentially, my parents gave up on him so now they pretty much expect me to support them when they get old. 

I mean, I'm not complaining about that because I'm down with the whole filial piety concept and all, but damn, I have no real freedom. My mom is... well she's a fucking gem. lol Don't get me wrong, the woman has been through a lot and does a lot for us -- for me, but I guess our personalities don't mesh well. I was never super close with my mother for a number of reasons, and these reasons keep changing with the seasons as well. As a child, I always knew that she favored my brother more than me because that's just the traditional Asian parent way -- gotta love the kid with the penis more b/c they supposedly "stay in the family" when they get married, but the daughters will be married off to another guy's family. So ya, I resented her because she would clearly favor him more, but always refused to admit to it, and I think that's what pissed me off. Now, she's going through a phase in her life (midlife crisis or some shit) which makes her moodier than ever and even more difficult to talk to. She pretends to be open and understanding about shit, but that's just a front she puts on to trick me into confiding in her. When I do, she'll immediately shoot down my opinion and try to assert her own onto me, so it's quite discouraging to me and makes me not want to tell her anything because I doubt she'll ever really understand me. And don't get me wrong, I love her, but I can't really bring myself to do anything to really show her that I do. That's messed up, I know, and I also know that I don't appreciate her as much as I should, but it's kinda hard when she's always tooting her own goddamn horn, praising herself as a great mother. Who does that? -__- My cousins say that my mother is the type of person who likes to be praised and showered with compliments and gifts -- pampered, I guess? They're absolutely right. I used to buy her shit for Christmas, Mother's Day and her birthday, but I was too bz with college during my freshman year, so I didn't do anything for that one year. Fucking bitch had to call me out on it, and that annoyed me cause wtf I'm not obligated to buy you shit. I did it because I wanted to, not because you told me to, y'know? I told her I was bz with school so I didn't have time to do anything and she said that's an excuse, that I buy presents and shit for my friends, but not her. What kind of parent gets jealous of their kid's friends? The more she kept bugging me about it, the less I wanted to buy her anything anymore. Yeah, I'm a bitch. I admit it. 

So you're probably wondering what set me off and motivated me to rant about my dysfunctional family today. WELL. After a long day, I'm sitting at my computer doing whatever, and my o-so-lovely (I'm being sarcastic, if you didn't notice) brother comes home and starts throwing a tantrum because his fucking weed stash is missing. And then he does the most immature thing ever and calls my mom (who, again, is going through some phase that makes her anxious and depressed as fuck) to bitch about his missing "box". Obviously it was the work of my dad, who loves going through people's shit without permission, and my brother knows it too, but the little cunt is too afraid to confront him about it, so he whines to mommy. And then my dad loves to be a little shit (don't assume that just because I didn't rant about my dad in here that it means he's a lot better than any of them, because honestly he's not) and refuse to admit to doing things that everyone knows he did until he's cornered into admitting it. So both of them were pretty much using my mom as the middle-man and yelling at her when they should be yelling at each other. And I'm sitting here in my room trying to do my fucking homework, but I can't concentrate because of the ruckus happening outside. All for what? A fucking box of pot. I swear, once I graduate and find a job, I'm outta here first thing. 

Had a great time Friday & Saturday night with Peeter. THANKS NIGGA!! YOU'RE THE BEST! There's a lot to write, but I don't feel like writing everything down, so here's a brief version of what went down: 

- Peter came to pick me up after work to watch Looper. 
- Went to my cousin's place after the movie and got wasted with Peter while we watched a movie with my cousin in her living room as everyone else was sleeping. 
- I had a giggle-fest (as usual) and started saying random stupid shit. 
- Called Ying and had a drunk conversation with her. 
- Threw up cause I drank too much, and then went to bed with my cousin. (Peter slept on the floor eheheh)
- Was too cold at night, so I woke up and had to resist the temptation to do something for instant gratification but prob would've regretted later.
- Woke up next morning and dragged Peter along to family dimsum (at which Peter met my family who, being Asian adults from China, automatically assumed he was my boyfriend /smh)
- Continued to drag Peter along when my cousins decided to go shopping @ SoHo + then ate some EXPENSIVE-ASS early dinner together afterwards @ some Jap restaurant. (FFS $$$$ :[ )
- Went back to my cousin's for some cousin (+ Peter) bonding time. We played Chinese Poker and Peter prob realized at this point that my family is rowdy as fuck. >:D My cousins and I were pretty much picking on him, speaking in our hometown dialect, but I'm pretty sure Peter could understand some of it, since it's pretty similar to Canto. If he hangs out with us some more, he'll prob start picking it up! Hahah.
- News of me getting wasted the night before spread around my cousins like wildfire by then, cause apparently I was saying some really stupid shit when I was drunk. LOL :[  My cousin called me a "醉酒老" (drunken old man) HAHAH. 

Even now, I hate myself for wanting to reach out to you when I am sad. And it's ironic because you make me sadder when I think about how you wouldn't give two shits about me even if I did. It's a vicious cycle, this thing that I wish was a real friendship. From the very beginning, it was just me who really thought of you as a best friend, wasn't it? You'd say that I'm yours too, but you'd never do anything that proved it. When I get sick of it, I'd confront you and you'd be confused and ask me why I'm so upset with you. Sometimes you'd give me excuses, tell me pretty lies. I know they're lies, but I let myself believe them because I wanted to believe that they're true. Sometimes when it gets really bad and I feel really lonely, I'd have dreams of you comforting me, and when I wake up I feel even sadder. I ask myself why I'm so attached to you and I drift back to a time when you were actually there for me. The truth is, I'm just living in the past and the person that I think of as my best friend probably doesn't even exist because I made him up. The saddest part is, I can't even be angry with you because the "you" that I hold so dear is just a figment of my fucking imagination. 

I finally got my period today, and my day just went downhill from there. Aside from the obvious "my vagina's fucking bleeding", I also happen to be one of the people who gets really bad cramps. Of course, my cramps aren't always that bad every month, but today it's pretty bad. I woke up pretty late, around 2:30PM, and then went to shower at 3. Right when I decided to go shower, I felt blood gushing out of my vagina, and I knew that my period has arrived to RUIN MY WEEK. When I came out of the shower, it was 4 and I looked around for food to eat. I saw a bunch of moon cakes lying around on the dinner table (because it's Mid-Autumn Festival this weekend) and I decided to eat one. HUGE mistake. Not long after, I began to feel like shit and my cramps started getting really bad, and because I had planned to watch Looper with Jason, I decided to pop pills to make the pain go away. I left home wearing jeans, a tank top and a hoodie because it's like, 70 degrees and raining, so I figured it should be fine. When I get outside, it's a bit chilly and drizzling, but not too bad. I managed to walk about a block and a half down the road when I started feeling extremely nauseous and began to have a panic attack. I decided then and there to cancel the movie and turned around to walk back home, but holy shit that mere 1.5 blocks felt like 9283725 blocks. It was absolute torture. And here's a few period symptoms that I sometimes get, for you guys who don't know what it's like for us girls to be on our period. My crotch feels like someone punched it a few times and it hurts like hell. And my butt feels like I need to shit when I might not really have to, so pretty much I feel constipated for possibly no reason. Which means I can't get rid of that feeling by simply taking a shit BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO SHIT. Anyway, I felt so nauseous that I looked frantically around for a dry bench to sit down at so I could do those stupid breathing exercise, y'know inhale and exhale deeply, take deep breaths blahblahblah. I spotted one -- the bench at the bus stop. Unfortunately, an old Asian lady and her grandchild were sitting down. Fortunately, just as I walked up to the bus stop, the bus came and they got on. Unfortunately, by the time I got to the bus stop I couldn't hold in my vomit anymore, and threw up in my left hand and all over the floor at the bus stop. I sat my ass down, and started to cough and breathe, and tried to get the vomit off my hand. I felt my pills coming back up, so there goes my painkillers. In less than 5 minutes, another fucking bus comes up to the stop. I motion at the bus driver that I'm not getting on, and when people got off, they had to face the surprise that I left for them on the floor. Really? The one day that I don't need to take the bus and it comes so frequently, wtf.  When I felt like I was ready to go (aka was pretty sure didn't have to throw up anymore), I got up to walk home. That's when I realized that I was sweating like crazy, but I felt both hot and cold. It didn't make any sense. When I got to my block, I felt like I was going to die because my cramps were so bad and I felt like I had to take a huge dump and like I needed to empty the entire contents of my stomach. I stopped on the side of the block and bent over a little. At that point, I honestly was contemplating lying down on wet pavement, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. But of course, I couldn't do that because that's just crazy. Then I threw up my sad excuse for a lunch and the vomit was all yellow from the preserved egg yolk lol. I saw this guy walk by me and gave me this look that clearly said "the fuck is wrong with her?". I bet he thought I was anorexic or something :[ . I ignored him and made my way home shortly. I opened the door to my building and saw the guy standing there waiting for the elevator. That was definitely an awkward elevator ride. When I got home, I immediately threw down my bag and pretty much stripped and put on pajamas. My hands were shaking as I took my contacts off and tried not to drop them. Then I crawled into bed and curled up in a ball. I laid there for the longest time, but couldn't sleep because the pain from the cramps kept me up. Lying down helps ease the pain a little, but because I threw up the painkillers, the cramps weren't getting any better. I was too afraid to try taking another one in case it makes me want to throw up again. Eventually, my mom came home (about 2 hours later) and was surprised to find me in bed all pathetic-looking because I told her that I was going to watch a movie. She gave me more painkillers and I managed to cry myself to sleep. The end. 

Man, I don't even know what the hell is wrong with me. PMS maybe? Or probably just the side effects of going to school. I feel so damn tired and unmotivated to do jack shit. I'm always so goddamn irritable and discontent with my monotonous life. And the worse part is, I can't even "change things up" with anything because nothing seems to interest me anymore. It's as if my taste buds stopped working and everything I eat tastes the same. Or like all the colors in the world have faded to gray. I feel like a moody old woman. ARGHHASLDFJ;ALSKF THIS BLOWS!!!!@$  D:<

The thing is, I thought I would be able to escape the depression that always accompanies attending school this time because I'm in a relationship now. HAH! Yeah right. Nigga is as comforting as a fucking log. Every time I try to talk to him, he pretty much ignores what I say or doesn't respond. I know that guys don't like listening to girls bitch and moan about every little thing, and maybe it's just me, but I thought he'd be happy that he's the one that I turn to whenever something happens, good or bad. I mean, I'd want him to do the same because I want to be the first person that he tells anything to as well. Perhaps I should find somebody else to confide in.