March 1, 2013
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Tired.
Happy March, guys! I haven't updated in a while because I've been really busy. Shit, I bought this journal that I'm supposed to write only one sentence into everyday, but I haven't found the time to do even something as simple as that. I just know that I'm so tired -- physically and emotionally tired. Other than school and work, I barely get any time to myself to relax, so in order to do anything else, I'd have to sacrifice my sleep time, which is what I've been doing to spend time with my friends and boyfriend. As a result, I feel dead tired every day. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by the amount of work that I need to do for school that I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. Nursing school is anything but fun and I wish I have that remote control from the movie Click that allows me to fast forward into the future because I just want school to be over and done with. And I keep getting asked if I'm sure that I want to be a nurse, if I can see myself doing nursing for the rest of my life, and the truth is, I don't fucking know anymore. I really don't. It's not like I particularly hate or dislike what I'd have to do as a nurse, I just hate nursing school and I'm not exactly passionate about nursing. That, and I don't know if I have the confidence or skills to do the job right either. Thinking about the future scares the hell out of me because I don't want to have all these expectations and plan my entire future out only to find out that things didn't happen the way I wanted them to ('cause things never go exactly as planned) and then end up being all disappointed and shit. These questions really annoy me because I'm starting to second-guess my decision to go into nursing, but at the same time I'm already more than halfway in, so it'd be stupid to back down now.
Ok, so now let's get to the touchy-feely part about my emotions. I've already kinda begun talking about it, when I mentioned the stress that I get from school, work, and whatnot, but there's more. I feel... idk, lonely I guess? I miss having friends in the city who I can hang out with and talk to. I have no friends in school, and it's not even like I don't talk to anybody or I don't think they're nice -- some of the girls in my classes are really nice, but I think we're just acquaintances/classmates right now. I don't think I can call them my friends yet because I don't even know anything about them, and we don't hang out after class either, unless it's to study, but I don't think that counts. And the thing is, it's not even like I don't want to hang out or they don't want to hang out. It's just that none of us has the time to do anything like that. So even if my friends were in the city, I probably still wouldn't be able to find the time to hang out with them. The lack of social interaction has really taken a toll on me, and life just feels like shit right now because it's so goddamned monotonous. But what about your boyfriend, Jessica? Doesn't spending time with him make things better? Yeah, when we actually do spend time together, it really does help relieve my stress. However, I feel like communication is always going to be a problem between us because he's so far away, so communication is really important in order to keep our relationship going, and I keep telling him that, but I don't even know if he gets it. I find myself telling him the same thing every time we get into a "fight"(sorta, not really?), and each time I tell him what the problem is, he says okay and that he'll try not to do it anymore, but then he'll do it again. Am I talking to a wall? I don't want to seem like an impatient bitch who's extremely demanding, but I've said it many times already, and I really hate repeating myself. I mean, you're not 14 years old, so stop behaving like you are. Why can't you do what you say you'll do? I'm tired of having to repeat myself and continuously being disappointed. And it sucks to be me because it's worse when it's coming from someone you like. Why bother trying to spend time with someone and wasting your sleep time waiting for him when he doesn't even realize that you're waiting for him to spend time with you? Yeah, you're right. I'm going to stop. I'm just going to start treating him the way he treats me.
Comments (2)
It's quite overwhelming from the sound of it, overload of work and loneliness can do that to a person.
For nursing, whether you feel you can do it or not, I commented some time ago about how you took care of your guy when he was with you. You knew what you were doing. I feel like you can emphasize with others well too. So to me, you got potential for being a nurse; I'm sure you'll do well.
For social needs, all it takes it someone just willing to break the ice. It's not bad to be alone, and dealing with loneliness can be manageable if you allow it to be, but if you feel like wanting social needs, you might need to break the ice. If you feel uncomfortable or afraid, just know that there's goodness in you, something that people can connect with.
For the bf thing, can't say much but hope things pans out. Wish you well over there, and kick butt on your studies! (grins).
@tictact0e0 - o. Ty for your kind words of encouragement, good sir! ;-;