August 15, 2012

• Bittersweet feelings.

  Brian came back into my life. As a friend at first, but eventually, he made it clear that he wanted to date again. After the whole ordeal from last time, I can't trust him with my feelings anymore, but for a guy who never made any effort to talk to me last year, this time he genuinely seemed to want to talk to me and whatnot. I don't even remember how, but we somehow mentioned me visiting Toronto again, and he asked me to go forreal if Jason is going to visit Cozy. That didn't work out though cause Cozy would be too bz to spend time with Jason, so then we planned a trip to Orlando together. That didn't go so well with my parents either, so he ended up planning a trip to come visit me in NY instead. He made it happen even though he had to get his passport and everything done in a little over a month, which says a lot about him cause he's prob the laziest motherfucker I know. So I decided to give him another chance. He arrived to Port Authority after a 11/12 hour bus-ride with a dozen roses (that he bought from Canada) in his hand. I melted a little, haha. It's the first time I ever got flowers from a guy. We spent all of last week together, sometimes alone, and sometimes with Peter Jason and Caffy. Went shopping, kayaking, eating, playing pool, etc. Everything seemed so surreal. Sometimes I'll find myself staring at him or squeezing his hands to make sure that I'm not dreaming. Just like last year, the time spent with him was the best time I had all summer. 

  But with good times, there must always be bad times. I wasn't sure if I should actually get into a relationship with him because everything might be good and all before he came to NY and during his stay, but the real test begins after he leaves. What if he starts to neglect me after going back again? I don't mean to sound like an insecure little bitch, but that's pretty much what happened last year, and I sure as hell don't want to go through that again. Last night we got into an argument (I think that's what it is). When he was here in NY he only bought a souvenir for a girl named Jenny, and I even helped him pick it out for her. I didn't think much of it because I figured she's probably a friend of his from Canada, but last night I found out that she's his online gaming friend who lives in Texas. When I asked him how he knew a girl from Texas, he asked me if I was his mom. That hurt. No, I'm not your mom, but I thought I was your girlfriend. Maybe I thought wrong. If you have nothing to hide, then why are you getting so damn defensive? And I know, I know, stop being jealous over something so small, Jessica, maybe he just thinks of her as a friend and nothing else. But when I think about all the times that I've mailed him shit and how he always used the excuse "I'm too lazy" to mail me back, it pisses me off because he's willing to buy, bring back and then mail something to this girl. Shit he's never done for me. And to think I helped him do it too makes me fucking sick. Who knows, maybe they call and text each other regularly too.

  Shit, see? Look at me be all ugly and jealous here. Another con of being in a relationship. I hate feeling like this, but I can't help it. Probably cause I actually like and care about this guy. When I get angry, that fucking faggot doesn't even do anything to reassure me. I already don't trust him as it is, and he's not doing anything to help me to, either. When I push him away, he makes no effort to grab onto me and hold me close. Am I supposed to still assume that he likes me as much as he claims he does? What should I do, judge a person based on their words or their actions? Am I being jealous over something stupid? I'm being a fucking hypocrite. I told myself that I won't get too serious about this relationship. Does this count? lol I don't even know anymore. Maybe I should just stop caring. 

  • 1:16 pm
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